The Hard Work of Giving a Fuck

I had a difficult realization today, which led to a self-assessment, and then an understanding that I was causing harm to someone who has been a friend. And because it wasn’t an in-your-face kind of harm, but rather one that was caused by retreating, by going silent, I was able to ignore it for a long time.

I only realized the degree of harm I might be generating when I caught myself having thoughts of anger and resentment against someone else for behaving in a similar way toward me. Both situations involved failure to follow up with contact that had been assured, and which was both meaningful and expected. The worst of it was that this behavior had been directed at me by a casual acquaintance, while I’d directed it at a friend.

It isn’t as though I was ever unaware that my own callous act was potentially hurtful. But, the situation was uncomfortable. Basically, I had come to believe that I wasn’t likely to invest the energy in the relationship that was called for, and I just backed off, knowing that it was unlikely that my friend would pursue things. I was faced with a difficulty that I found easier to ignore than to deal with.

This very sobering insight brought to mind the phrase ‘the banality of evil’, coined by Hannah Arendt in her writing about the crimes committed by the Nazis. I know that she used the phrase in reference to particular circumstances and contexts that don’t align with my personal situations, and that are far more serious. And yet, the phrase sticks because what both sets of problems have in common is a refusal to think a situation through, to the point of grasping how ones actions will affect another human being.

My responsibility in this situation is something I want to hold onto. I’ve reached out to the friend I hurt and I intend to endure whatever discomfort may come if he chooses to respond. After all, it was a desire to avoid discomfort that led to me acting as I did.

But I also reflect on the extent to which our society seems increasingly to invite us to not think deeply about how our actions might affect others. An example that resonates powerfully for me is how casually people are fired these days. I have worked in social service programs in which great pride was taken in dealing with clients in a very ‘client-centered’ way, taking their feelings and circumstances into account during every interaction. But employees were regularly fired from these jobs, with no notice or explanation, as casually as documents were shredded once no longer useful.

And I can’t help but think of the political realm, in which it has become more and more common to level devastating personal attacks, picket a person’s home, depict them as monsters, and even issue death threats, simply because someone holds a different political opinion. I don’t think that these ways of treating people would be possible – certainly they wouldn’t be so casual, so easy – if we forced ourselves to think deeply about that person’s actual, physical, temporal humanity, how their human experience brought them to the beliefs they hold, and how they will be affected by the treatment they receive.

All this is pretty obvious, but laziness or the desire to avoid the discomfort of seeing and thinking more deeply often keeps us from taking this step. It plays such a role in racism and other forms of prejudice, as well. We’re so quick to judge others’ behavior against our own perspective and experience. When it might generate so much more understanding to ask ourselves: What life experiences might lead me to act, think or feel as this other person does? Even better, of course, would be to engage in direct communication, while seeking to understand rather than convince or out argue.

Understanding requires effort. Empathy involves the expenditure of emotional energy. It’s work. And it’s often hard work. I intend to work harder.

The Present Calm

I’m amazed at the difference of not having the image, voice, news of Donald Trump constantly disturbing the mental and emotional space of the nation, and of myself personally. It’s like when the neighbor finally finishes mowing the lawn, and the sudden silence sweeps over me, and I find myself taking a deeper breath, and a tension in my shoulders eases.

I experienced an almost instantaneous release of tension a week ago, on Inauguration Day, when the possibility of some final, desperate grasp at power dissolved. The four years that I and many others had endured with clenched teeth was finally over. The fate of the world was no longer dependent on the whims of a spoiled child. (Trump may in fact be a sociopath, but I’ve always seen him as one of those obnoxious and immature adolescents that we’ve all experienced, who plays bully when he can, but most often flails against the reality of not getting his way).

This second relief, emanating from the relative calm and quiet of the past week, is even deeper than the first. It’s a return to normalcy – yes, relative normalcy, despite the pandemic, the economic instability and the resurgence of racial and civil rights concerns. But I won’t allow myself to turn entirely away from all the civil poison that Trump’s presidency brought to the fore.

I find it deeply disturbing that four in ten Americans still support Trump’s politics. And I’m not sure which is worse: that many of them feel that his actions are morally and legally appropriate in a constitutional democracy, or that many of them are aware of the fascist and racist underpinnings of his actions and just don’t give a damn about maintaining a constitutional democracy. Either way, it reveals a stunning disconnect between the foundations and principles of our democracy and almost half of the American population.

I recently started reading William L. Shirer’s “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich”, because of Trumps determined effort to undermine the election. In retrospect, I’m disappointed in myself for going through my entire adult life with so little curiosity about how the phenomenon of Hitler came about, particularly in a population that was as progressive, educated and advanced as early twentieth century Germany appeared to be. Well, it’s a shocking read.

So much that characterizes Trump’s ascent and rule parallels the rise of the Nazis, including: the scapegoating of minorities, the constant denouncing of political opponents as enemies of the people and of the nation, the sanctioning of political violence, a distain for majority rule, and the total subservience of government and party to a single man. As much as I’ve distrusted the American right, I never thought that it would stoop to these depths.

But sheer selfishness and stupidity are much to blame. Because too many Americans – left and right – are unwilling to educate and train themselves to look beyond immediate self-interest, and to consider how attitudes and policies will affect the health of the nation and of their communities in the long run. More than ever before, I feel that there needs to be a shift in emphasis away from political candidates and to the responsibilities of voters. That alone would make voters less susceptible to misinformation and manipulation. How to bring such a thing about, I don’t know. Especially in this political and social climate, when we can’t even agree on basic facts.

One thing that reading of Hitler’s rise alerts me to is that the danger of far right insurrection is far from over. It’s a threat that has been building for decades, and it hasn’t been widely recognized for the threat that it is. Whole families and communities – including many Christian communities – have grown up around the supposed threats to the white race, the rise of communism and the social evils of liberalism and humanism. As anyone who has been listening has heard lately, there are many who feel that a civil war of good versus evil is long overdue. I guess one of the saddest things about any such war is always the total disagreement about what is good, and what is evil.

Reflections on a Would-Be Insurrection

               If your eyes are skimming these words, you – like me – are probably unable to divert your attention from the car wreck that just happened, and you’re still half expecting to glimpse a mangled carcass or two that has so far been over-looked.

              I have so many thoughts on the events of Wednesday the sixth of January, another “date which will live in infamy”, and I haven’t stopped looking at it from many different angles, including lots of supposes and what if’s.

              Some of them are/were:

-       -   Who didn’t see this happening? Everything was pointing to an overflow of anger and outrage. How was anyone surprised at what descended on the Capitol on Wednesday afternoon?

-       -  It could have been so much worse, given the lack of preparation, and I’m actually surprised that it wasn’t.

-       -   Wow! Police and security forces can be so gentle and patient, when they have a mind to be.

-       -   What a pleasant, surprising, even moving beginning to the end of that night, with Kelly Loeffler giving ground, Mitt Romney sounding so statesmanlike. Even Lindsey Graham, washing his hands of Trump (though, at this late date, that isn’t really possible) and proclaiming the incoming regime. These are all individuals I’ve had to work hard at not outright despising (throw in Mitch McConnell). To think that they each brought me moments of optimism and joy?! Go figure.

-       -   I never in a million years expected that by the end of the night, the way forward would seem clearer and easier than it had a few hours earlier. I’d probably have been less surprised had a full scale insurrection broken out.

-       -   Isn’t it amazing that the historic and impactful events of January 5^th, in Georgia, were so quickly and neatly relegated to the rear view mirror?

-       -   What’s in store for 20 January, I wonder?

What I think is true is that no one knows what’s going to happen, how America will survive 2021, just as not a soul on Earth knew what was about to happen a year ago.

I feel a bit lighter and less tense today than I have because I sense that Trump’s power may finally be breaking. A day after he turned on his lap dog of a vice president and accused him of cowardice and treason (and does any loyal lap dog deserve such treatment?), I hear that some of his Q-Anon idolizers are now turning on him and accusing him of treason, for renouncing the feeble uprising that failed. Karma can be so, so beautiful!

Not for a second do I believe that the madness is over. It’s just that there might have to be a casting call for disruptor-in-chief, and it’s possible that the insurrectionists will break into camps. But it’s not over by a long shot. I hope that the 6th served as a wake-up call, and that security will be much more prepared on the 20th. 

One of the things I’ve done over the last couple of days is to look a little deeper into Q-anon, and it’s helped me to get a better grasp on what these folks believe and what drives them. They are serious! And they are obsessed! They take it as a point of prophecy that Trump will serve a 2nd term. And there are thousands armed and ready to help bring this about. Understanding their mindset and movement makes some of the things Trump has said, and the way they’ve been received, clearer to me. I gladly refer you to the following link for a primer (https://www.neonrevolt.com/2018/07/11/who-is-qanon-an-introduction-to-the-qanon-phenomenon-qanon-greatawakening//). It's disturbing and frightening. But it has helped me to remember that people are often driven to madness via their warped and manipulated sense of patriotism, or justice, or religious devotion.

I still believe that the only way out for America will be for more of us to become able to understand that our opponents are often genuinely motivated by good intentions, even while others are motivated by greed and hatred and poisonous ideologies. It’s hard to break through the level of delusion, fueled by intense fear, that has so many in its grip. It seems to me that Q-Anon and many other right wing movements, spring from fear of Black folks (the bogeyman of the guilt conscience, a legacy of slavery), and the fear of loss of self, that was tapped into by Obama’s ascendency, and heightened by Hilary Clinton’s threatened ascendency. Just as a Century and a half ago, the KKK arose from the fear stirred up by the ascendency of Black power during Reconstruction.

These fears are wrong and baseless, and they succeed by dehumanizing us. But we mustn’t fight back by merely dehumanizing them. It’s no more true or right to label all of those thousands marching in DC the other day as racist, terrorist, insurrectionist thugs, than it was last summer to label every protester against police murder as an anarchist, terrorist, insurrectionist thug. I brand them gullible fools, for believing that Trump is a good and honest leader who cares about them. But all gullible fools aren’t monsters.

Things are pretty damned grim in the US these days. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris sure have a job ahead of them. I wouldn’t swap places with either of them, not for anything. But if Trump’s power is truly ebbing, we may someday look back on 6 January as the bottom from which recovery began. Good things are possible. And hey…they have Stacey Abrams on their side!